A catch up.

Like many other people, during this pandemic i have gained a whole lot of weight. It has been my own fault, not eating well and not exercising. As soon as i have pain i don't want to do anything especially going to the gym. And due to the fact this whole situation has been stressful there has been many days of pain. But as much as i want to blame that, it has been my own lack of motivation. 

Obviously when you have endo, PCOS, IBS, Under-active thyroid, etc makes it very difficult to lose weight. Ive accepted that. But when you have so many issues, you should step back and help your body as much as you can. BUT... i have been destroying my body further. My thought process has been 

"my body is shit anyway so why should i do anything else?"

These are constant thoughts in my head; my body is rubbish, why do i have so many issues?, why is it so hard?. And i think anyone with an illness, no matter what illness it is, has these thoughts. It is a mental struggle there is no denying it. I am determined to change this mindset- and get rid of these horrible and degrading voices in my head. 

Another aspect is relationships- i often wonder why my boyfriend is with me. Like i have so many up and down days, fluctuating weight and emotional moments.I feel he deserves so much more. Its a worry for him which i don't think is fair. You know, they're my problems and i feel bad that he has to deal with it. But it's the little things he does that give me that reassurance i need. I don't need constant reassurance but like everyone else, you do have those low confidence moments. 

So, despite all the set backs and issues- I am making the decision today to HELP myself. It's going to be a long and hard journey whilst I've moved to a new area and exploring the place for a new job/career. So i suppose, I'm asking for help here too. I need to rebuild myself both mentally and physically. I need to stop remembering the medical trauma and live for today. Definitely easier said than done. And i hope this post can help others, they can relate and focus on themselves. 

So i have been focusing on making small changes:

Reading.

Getting out of bed as soon as i wake up.

Watching what i eat- avoid snacking.

Walking. (once me and my boyfriend are out of isolation...lol)

Small but mighty steps to making a change, i cant live like this anymore. Life is too short.

Another thing that has happened, is that i have lost a very dear friend close to me. So many people have lost someone in the pandemic, and that pain is unbearable. Being able to go to the funeral enables you to start that grieving process. My nan died at the beginning of the pandemic and i was unable to go to the funeral and it for sure slows down the grieving process. But I shouldn't even be going to Darcy's funeral. She was so young and talented, she didn't let anything hold her back. It's so unfair. The only words i can conjure up is WHAT THE FUCK. I am still in shock to this day, like everyone else who had the pleasure to meet her and be around her. And i tell you know, i would rather have the endo pain rather than this heartache. I have lost so many people in my life and that pain hurts.

I don't want to go in to too much detail but let me tell you it bloody sucks. It was so sudden and unfair. Darcy was an amazingly bright and bubbly human who was so intelligent and hard working. We miss her everyday. This tragic event was so hard for everyone. SO...i need to do this for her too!! DO IT FOR DARCY. Thats my motivation for sure. That is my focus.

Everyone is fighting their own battle, let's help each other.