I am struggling.

This is a night I will never forget. The worst pain I had ever been in and poppy just stayed with me. Hoping soon that the painkillers would kick in, she dealt with my groaning and fidgeting until I got to the point I couldn't bare it. I could barely walk so my mum had to help me to the car so we could go to A&E to get more pain relief. It affects everyone around you, pets are so unbelievably loyal. 

This was Tilly, I had just got home from my laparoscopy. I was very sore and she just laid on me, comforting me. Even now, she just sticks to me like glue when i'm in pain, like a little hot water bottle.

I have always heard the term IBS and it is quite freely used as it is hard to diagnose. But let me tell you, you certainly know when you have it. So when someone says it, believe them. It's not a pretty sight and its either one extreme or the other. 

Anyway, like many things in life, it fluctuates. It can vary all the time. I am on mebeverine and so far so good. It's definitely helped a lot but I still have some days where I'm in pain. Having endometriosis massively effects the bloating aspect as well, and the pain I have noticed has often brought on my endo pain. I have noticed that when I feel bloated or have diarrhoea, that I definitely do stress which makes my pain worse. I feel with the current climate it's understandable that we are all stressed.  

But... it is so unbelievably frustrating. I feel like at the minute its one step forward and three steps back. Having endo and IBS together can be really debilitating, mentally and physically. I am struggling to be honest. It stops me from doing so much with my life, there are days I plan and when it comes to it, its as if my body says "no, you're not going to enjoy yourself". A big slap in the face. One thing I swear by is being open about it, but sometimes it's so hard to just open up and be honest with how you're feeling because you either don't want people to worry, upset them , or let them down. It is weird because I can talk for England but I hate worrying people, and that as when I stay silent. I would rather suffer in silence. It's a bad mentality but it's the truth. Another part of me wants me to just keep going, so it doesn't completely stop my life. Which can be good, stops me missing out but this can often mean me overworking my body, and it therefore affecting me for a few weeks. 

It is like I can't really win, I'm trying to listen to my body as well as still having a life, and then chucking COVID 19 in the mix, its made it so much harder. I write this blog to sort of vent out, give some honesty in the society of what its really like. I really enjoy writing, its a bit like talking all the time but its all on paper and people can listen when they want.😅 But it also stops me from feeling so alone. And if I can just help one person, it really does make me feel that little bit better. I try to stay positive but sometimes it's hard.

Please share my blog to anyone it could help. I can talk for hours about it, so feel free to message as well.