"I can't deal with this pain anymore, Let me die instead"
I said this to my mum one evening when I could not stand the pain much longer. Its hard for me to admit it and put it out there. The past months have been so intense but a blur for me. The constant pain has had a serious effect on my mental health.
When I said this I truly meant it, sometimes when the pain is really bad I wish I could just escape. People don't talk enough about how bad the pain is, whether its physically or mentally.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety back in 2016 and had counselling, after a few sessions I didn't feel much change. I kept quiet for a few months until I began to start self harming again. It got so bad that my mum pushed me to go back to the doctors. I was put on anti-depressants and have been on them ever since. I have nothing against being on medication for mental health, I needed them and I still do. I have stopped self harming, although since all this happened I have been close to do it but felt to weak to actually do it as my body was in so much pain anyway. I also look at my scars and hate them. Despite this I have been suicidal both in the past and now. Its horrible to admit but its the truth. I was mentally in a good way last summer until all of this occurred. I feel as though it has really knocked me back.
Anyhow, after saying this and my mum seeing how I wanted to give up, we sent emails to the doctors I was seeing, to get any advice and help. Thankfully In my most recent appointment my doctor has organised me to see a psychiatrist in order to learn ways to manage the pain. I'm hoping that this will help my mental health too.
It is a hidden disease that just isn't spoken about enough. It really does effect you in many ways and it can feel so lonely. No one fully understands, they think its just a "painful period" but its much more than that.
Ive considered filming one of my episodes to really show how much pain I'm in. It happens unexpectedly, for example it happened whilst I was on a night out. I ended up spending the night in hospital taking painkillers and getting checked out. I have been a sort of mystery for the doctors, so its been hard not getting any proper answers. Once again making me feel really lonely and sort of an outcast because no one understood or knew what was going on. I feel like now we are slowly getting somewhere but I don't want to jinx it!
Feel free to write anything in the comments, it will be nice to communicate to those who are feeling the same or are in a similar situation.
When I said this I truly meant it, sometimes when the pain is really bad I wish I could just escape. People don't talk enough about how bad the pain is, whether its physically or mentally.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety back in 2016 and had counselling, after a few sessions I didn't feel much change. I kept quiet for a few months until I began to start self harming again. It got so bad that my mum pushed me to go back to the doctors. I was put on anti-depressants and have been on them ever since. I have nothing against being on medication for mental health, I needed them and I still do. I have stopped self harming, although since all this happened I have been close to do it but felt to weak to actually do it as my body was in so much pain anyway. I also look at my scars and hate them. Despite this I have been suicidal both in the past and now. Its horrible to admit but its the truth. I was mentally in a good way last summer until all of this occurred. I feel as though it has really knocked me back.
Anyhow, after saying this and my mum seeing how I wanted to give up, we sent emails to the doctors I was seeing, to get any advice and help. Thankfully In my most recent appointment my doctor has organised me to see a psychiatrist in order to learn ways to manage the pain. I'm hoping that this will help my mental health too.
It is a hidden disease that just isn't spoken about enough. It really does effect you in many ways and it can feel so lonely. No one fully understands, they think its just a "painful period" but its much more than that.
Ive considered filming one of my episodes to really show how much pain I'm in. It happens unexpectedly, for example it happened whilst I was on a night out. I ended up spending the night in hospital taking painkillers and getting checked out. I have been a sort of mystery for the doctors, so its been hard not getting any proper answers. Once again making me feel really lonely and sort of an outcast because no one understood or knew what was going on. I feel like now we are slowly getting somewhere but I don't want to jinx it!
Feel free to write anything in the comments, it will be nice to communicate to those who are feeling the same or are in a similar situation.
Brave, honest and informative I hope you continue you document your experiences
ReplyDelete-Ade
IG: ade2099